


Catch me as I trip

by Icefire87



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, But I took the best guess I could, Depressed Harry, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Fluff and Smut, Haha 6666 Words, Heroin, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont actually know how this works, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, LSD/Acid, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Sweet Niall Horan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 03:44:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21047765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icefire87/pseuds/Icefire87
Summary: As Harry struggles with his heroin addiction, his boyfriend Niall stays a few nights.





	Catch me as I trip

**Author's Note:**

> Before we get into this, I want to make clear my intentions are NOT to shame either Horan or Styles for any parallels found here. I simply wanted to write angst about something on my mind and imagine- just for a moment- that these 2 adorable humans are in a loving relationship. Try to enjoy, and don't do drugs kids. They're bad for you.  
I scare even myself.

_ Ah… Finally… _

I felt my body and mind calm themselves, the crushing anxiety finally fleeting. I wish I could say this was the first time, even so, I pulled the needle out of my arm and leaned back against the wall. I felt my breaths start to slow as the euphoria hit. 

I hid the needle filled with the dark liquid in a box, then shoved it under my bed. It was my little secret and had to stay that way. Just a small dose of tar and I felt good as new. I’m not addicted, don’t worry. It’s just something I take when I can't stand it anymore.

About 2 minutes into it, I felt the need to call him. With little hesitation, I pulled out my phone and dialled his number.

“Hey Haz, what’s up?” He answered after a few painfully long seconds.

“Nothing, really,” I paused a moment, almost forgetting the words. “You doing anything?” 

“Just playing my guitar, you?” He answered, his cute Irish accent coming clear across the phone.

“Nothing much… want to come over?” I said, taking care to make sure each word sounded sweet and innocent. I was already starting to come down from the rush.

“Uh, yeah, sure. When?” As he spoke, I heard a slight waver in his voice as if he sensed something was off about me. 

“Now,” I answered with little hesitation. He just chuckled a little then said.

“Sure, sounds fun, I’ll see you in 15, anyone else there?”

“Just me…” I trailed off, feeling a little dizzy and dissociated. 

“A’right, bye Hazza,”

“Bye Ni,” I hung up my cell and set it on the dining table. 

I sat back against the chair, just enjoying the calm tranquillity flowing through me. After what felt like 30 minutes, I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I grabbed a small chocolate cake. I wasn’t extremely hungry but I craved something sweet. Just as I was about to close the door, I saw a bottle of hard apple cider. I wasn’t much of an alcoholic, but for once, it looked inviting. I picked it up too, with the cake and set them both on the table. 

I then heard the doorbell ring and assumed it must be Niall. 

“Niall!” I smiled when I opened the door. He looked good, even in a simple light blue button-up and some grey shorts. He had a light jacket on in a matching blue colour. The sun was starting to set behind him, casting him in a beautiful warm glow. 

“Hi Harry, wow you seem happy today,” he commented, flashing a sweet smile of his own as he came inside the house. 

“Yeah, guess I'm just glad to see you,” I said, pulling him in for a hug. 

He obliged and hugged me back. When he finally pulled away, he looked up at me and our eyes locked.

“Harry… Are you okay? Your eyes…?” He said resting his thumb on my cheek. 

“Uh… I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” I answered, taking my time to make the words sound natural. 

“Your eyes look strange?… I’m not sure? Do you need to go to a doctor or something?”

I just gave a little laugh and broke from his hold.

“No, no of course not, I feel great. Would you like some cake?” I said, walking over beside the dining table where the cake and cider sat.

“H-hang on a sec' Harry, please, answer me something, are you high?” Niall said, looking at me with concern written all over face.

“Hi-... no… Not high, why… why would you think that?” I forced myself to lie, despite every part of me wanting to tell him the truth. 

“Harry. Please, I’m worried, don’t lie to me, are you high? Or drunk? Or something…?”

“I’m…” I glanced quickly at the apple cider on the table. It was about ½ full, thanks to Louis. He came over once and had a few.

“Drunk. That’s it.” I answered after a suspiciously long pause. 

“I didn’t know you drank, as far as I remember the last time you drank was your 18th birthday…?” He said, not exactly buying my lie.

I hesitated and gave the best answer I could manage. 

“You don’t know everything about me Ni, no one does,” I said, a tinge of bitterness dripping into my words, like morphine into my veins.

“As your boyfriend, and a friend, I’m worried about you.” He looked at me with such a sweet look, that even my dizzy high brain couldn’t resist.

“Niall… Do you love me?” I said, dark feelings slowly pulling me back down to the ground. 

“Of course,” He stepped in front of me, then continued on

“Of course I love you, nothing will ever change that.” 

"Good" I gave him a little peck on the lips. I had a choice now, I could tell him, or I could keep it going. I paused for what felt like 10 seconds- it was only about 3 in reality. Just before I was about to admit it all to him, a small thought hit me. _ What if he left me because of this? How sad would it make him? _

I had no choice. 

"Trust me when I say im okay and not in danger," I said to him, my voice unwavering, yet still sounding weak to my ears.

"I still worry…" he said, eyes wide and staring at me.

"Then stay the night," I offered. "see how I'm doing." Maybe if he was here, I wouldn't need another dose. 

"I didn't exactly bring anything…but okay... I guess." 

His answer made me really happy, releasing me from the fuzzy negative feelings I'd just felt moments ago. 

“I’m glad you’ll stay” I pulled him into a hug and felt him relax in my arms. Even so, he felt somewhat on edge, as if he didn’t completely buy what I’d told him. 

After a minute, I pulled away and said to him

“Would you like some of the cake and Cider?” I gestured to the table.

“Sure, I could go for some.” We moved the chairs so we could sit together. 

We talked for a little while, then I felt myself coming down. I felt grossly sick and dizzy, so I leaned on his shoulder.

"Haz…? Are you hungover already?" He said, his fingers playing with my chocolate hair.

"Yeah… and a little itchy" I said, scratching at my arms.

"Oh?" He said, somewhat suspicious. 

_ Think of something, quick! _

"Uh, I… must have eaten something I was allergic to." 

"Oh…" he said, taking in my comment. "hope you feel better. Say harry, if you want to cuddle don't you have somewhere more comfortable?"

"Yeah… we can go to bed. I'm tired." I answered. I felt the aftereffects, and all I wanted was to be held and loved by another human. 

"Tired already? It's barely nine" he said, giving me a cute smile. 

"Alright, Alright. Can I have a few shots though?" He said, reaching out for the cider.

"Oh yeah. Here I'll get you a glass" I got off of him and grabbed a shot glass from the top shelf in my kitchen. I rarely used it, but I always kept it around. 

I'm not sure why, but even that simple motion made me want to cry. I wish I didn't feel so sick and dizzy before and after my injections. 

_ Shit, it's worse than I thought… I wish I could come clean with him. _

"Haz? Everything okay in there?"

His voice pulled me back into reality. I realised I was just standing in the middle of the room, holding a shot glass.

"Yeah im coming." I set the glass down on the table when I got in. 

"How many?" He asked me while pouring his first.

"As many as you like, knock yourself out" 

"Will do." He gave a cute little chuckle. 

He ended up drinking 4 and was a little tipsy when we went back to my room.

"Are you up for some uh… spooning?" He asked me when I sat down on my bed.

"Yeah, it’s sweet. Big spoon or little spoon?" I said, giving him a sideways smile.

"Big spoon," he said, with a tipsy Irish slur.

"Little spoon. We fit," I said, smiling despite my pain. 

He laughed a little and then curled up behind me and wrapped his body around my back. His thighs pressed up against mine the back of mine, and I felt like I was in heaven. I couldn’t feel much other than him cuddling behind me, he felt so warm and sweet. It was good enough I could almost forget.

I fell asleep quickly, my body and mind exhausted.

I woke up before he did. I sat up carefully and turned back to look at him. He was sprawled across the bed and a small puddle of drool dripped from his lips. It was honestly adorable. 

“Love you, Ni,” I whispered quietly, to make sure he didn’t wake up.

I slid down to the floor and pulled the box out.

“And I’m sorry.” I couldn’t bear it, I needed more. I felt painfully sick. Although I didn’t want to admit it, love wasn’t enough. 

I pulled the needle out and slid it right over the vein in my left wrist. I knew right where to put it every time, practice makes perfect after all. 

Right before I could inject it, I heard Niall roll over and start to wake up. 

_ Shit! _

My eyes widened as I realised I had less than 4 seconds to hide it. I quickly put the needle in the box and shoved it- open- under my bed. 

“Mm... Morning Harry,” he said. “What are you up to?” He said, taking note on the fact that I was sitting on my floor. 

“Oh uh… Just, hanging out... On the floor.” I said, awkwardly and giving him a little smile. 

“You’re weird,” he said, sitting up and having his legs dangle over the side of the bed. He then played with my messy hair.

“Thanks,” I smiled at him. I felt instantly 3 times as bad as I had just a few minutes ago. Not only was I having some withdrawals and cravings, but I had also just lied to his face. 

_ Be strong, Harold. _

“Let’s go get some breakfast, yeah?” He said, smiling at me again.

“Yeah, that sounds great. Let's go somewhere?” I said. Normally, I’d offer to make him something, but I felt too miserable to even think about making food. 

“Yeah… You feeling okay? I know you like cooking most of the time.”

“I’m a little sick that's all.” I stood up on unsteady feet and tried to look decently normal.

“We don’t have to go out. If-”

“No, no it’s fine, Do you want to change? You can wear some of my clothes if you like."

“Aw, how cute. Thanks.” He got up and walked to my closet.

“Pick out whatever you like." He picked out a pink and black plaid shirt and some blue jeans. He took off his shirt to reveal his beautiful pale chest. He unbuttoned his pants then looked at me.

"Why are you watching like that…? You've seen me shirtless before." 

"Yeah but… you're really pretty today." I said. It served as a good distraction for the painful itch and cold, sick feeling. 

He blushed a little. 

“Well… look the other way at least” He said, with a slight laugh in his voice.

“Fine, fine.” I turned back so he could finish changing into my clothes. Truthfully, I couldn't help but look back every so often. It gave me a small rush, even from this far away. 

"Done." He said, giving me a little smile. The pairing looked nice on him, it wasn't something I would ever wear but somehow it fit him.

"You look great," I said, offering a smile.

"Thanks. Also, I hope you feel better." He said. 

_ How cute. He thinks my sickness is a virus. _

"I'm going to go get ready," I said, glancing at the box. I could just barely see its dark edges under my bed. 

_ Be strong, Harold. _

I quickly grabbed some clothes and left the room, giving a little nod to Niall on the way out.

Time felt like it was flying past me, so even though I changed as quickly as I could, it took about 10 minutes for me to get my hair in order.

I left the bathroom and saw Niall standing in the hallway with a sad expression on his face.

"Niall? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Harry… are you okay?" He said, looking downwards to my feet.

"I've been better… why-" I started to speak.

"Harry… were you high last night?" 

I couldn't answer.

"I dropped a pen under your bed…" he said. 

"I… I'm sorry…" I forced myself to speak 

"Harry… I know what you did this morning. I just didn't want to accuse you." 

"I didn't do it, Niall. Honest."

"I don't want you to anymore, okay? Please… Hazza… I love you, drugs never end well."

"I-I…" I didn't know what to say.

"Haz… in 3 days we're going to turn them in. We'll wait in case they drug test you, that way you won’t get in trouble, and we can get you clean." 

"W-wait Ni… I… can't…" I said. I felt tears gather in my eyes.

“I’m in pain… it hurts so… so bad…” I said to him, looking into his blue eyes. 

“Hey… I'll drive, you can beat this.” He said, pulling me into a hug. 

_ … I can’t… _

“Th-Thanks,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder. “I’ll try.” A few tears escaped my eyes on his shirt. 

“Hey, don’t cry. You’ll be okay.” He said, running his fingers through my hair.

“Y-yeah…” I said. 

I got through it. We ended up going to a small Cafe, they had some nice food. We had a good time whenever I managed to push the unbearable desire out of my mind.

Halfway through the meal, our conversations fell into a lull. 

"Haz… why'd you start?" He said, trying to make sure evesdroppers didn't know what we were talking about.

Somehow, it made me a little mad that he asked.

"... I was having some anxiety, especially about performing. I know that doesn't sound bad but… it really was. Now, every time I'm feeling bad I can just… forget about it for an hour." I said in a low voice. I started feeling a little nauseous. 

He stayed silent and kept eating.

At his silence I continued:

"A-and the physical things I deal with… are nothing compared to the mental ones."

"Haz… I'm sorry. Ah… I wish I'd noticed sooner… how long?"

"2 months… since my first. About once a week… until recently, then 3 to 4…" I said, trailing off a little at my rounded numbers. I'm sure Niall knew I was under in my estimates, but either way, he dipped his head and said

"How bad's your addiction?"

I felt a lot of emotion welling up behind my eyes. 

"I don't know…" I said, but he knew what I meant. 

_ It's killing me. _

"Harry… I love you. Your life has worth." He grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes across the table. "Please, we'll turn it in, and we can take you to a rehab centre, everything can get better." 

"I… it's not that simple…" I said, with no real logic to my words.

"I… don't want to stop, Ni. And I could at any moment. I just don't want to" I said, doing anything I could to play it off a bit. The thought of going to a place like that bothered me a lot.

He shot me a little glare, seeing right through my lies. 

"Let's… talk about something else." I offered.

"Sounds great…"

The rest of the morning passed easily. He seemed a little sadder, but when I tried to bring it up, he didn't give a clear reason why. 

It was about 10 by the time we got back home. When I walked inside, I felt chills rush through my body. I went and got a jacket and sat down on my couch. Niall was staring at me, confused.

"I'm cold," I said to him. He rolled his eyes and sat next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a sideways hug. 

"Stop." He said with a little smile. He kissed my forehead.

We cuddled some more and I turned on the television.

His warm body comforted me, yet I wanted nothing more than to go into my room for just 2 minutes. I know he felt it too, he kept looking at my eyes. I wasn't trying to hide anything. Every time he looked at me he'd hold me tighter or kiss me. 

After a while, we started singing together. It was a little out of tune, but we were having fun. It provided me with a good enough distraction from the withdrawal. 

Both Niall and I were working on some songs. I was kind of scared to sing in front of him, almost afraid I'd sound stupid.

At about 3, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something, yet didn't want to break the weak promise I'd made. 

I told him I was going to the store and asked him if he needed anything. 

"Uh… just some snacks or something… Haz. If you come back high. I'm going to know. If you come back after a high, I'm also going to know." 

"Okay…" I said, taking in a deep breath. 

"I'm only doing this because I love you." He said with sweet sincerity.

"Thank you." I left the house and got into my car. I drove to a liquor store and bought the strongest thing they had.

When I got home, Niall hugged me before I was even all the way in the door.

"Hey? Everything alright?"

"Yeah. I just… missed you." He responded. 

"What do you mean? I was only gone 40 minutes. Oh I got some chocolates for us"

"Heh, and thanks." He noticed my other bag and said

"What's in that one?"

"A very strong vodka," I responded.

He pulled the bottle out of the bag and read it aloud.

"192 proof? Holy shit are you trying to kill yourself?" He said, half-joking.

I didn't answer, just opened the tin of chocolates and popped one in my mouth.

I twisted the top off easily. 

"Just want to drink it from the bottle?" I said to him.

He gave a little smile then said "Hazza. you're crazy that's gonna hurt. I would-" 

"I know, I know." I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a large gulp.

He seemed impressed. At first, it didn't feel bad at all. It didn't taste like much, a light sweet flavour. Then as I started to swallow it, I felt the burn. I cringed a little in pain and tried to swallow as quickly as I could.

"Ow…" 

"There's a reason ya' don't drink it neat like that." 

"Y-yeah… got that" it still kind of stung.

If I were feeling happier, I would have stood up and got a glass of water, but the burn felt nice. 

_ I deserve it anyway. _

"Hey Haz, may I taste it?" He said, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Oh. Sure." 

He pulled me into a kiss and licked inside my mouth. We made out some and our bodies pressed against each other. The warmth was comforting and made me feel so much better. Someone real and alive cares…

_ Am I tipsy already? _

He finally broke the kiss and I felt dizzy and weak. 

"Nice quality."

I quickly picked up the bottle and stole another drink. It hurt so good. I held it in my mouth and slowly swallowed it, taking the pain in stride. 

I went to take a third and Niall quickly put his hand on the bottle.

“‘Ey, easy there bud. You know how strong that stuff is?”

“Yeah…” I mumbled. 

“You can have more, but let me cut it okay?” 

“I’m good…” I said, starting to feel the effects. 

He screwed the top back on and set it on the table.

“Talk to me, Haz. Why are you drinking?”

I didn’t know exactly what to say.

“Uh… I don’t know.”

“You're using it as a distraction, aren't you? Hazza… What happened to you?” He pulled me into a hug. 

I realised I hadn’t felt the need while I was drunk. 

I couldn’t bear it, I broke from his grip and ran to my room, shutting the door. He followed me and forced open my door before I could lock it.

“Harry, what the hell?” 

I felt myself start to cry. I took in a sharp breath and turned to him.

“Why are you here… What happened to me?” I said, thinking about it.

“Haz… I’m here because I care about you. No amount of drugs will ever stop that.”

I started crying, unable to stifle my cold tears. 

“If you want to be left alone, I will. I’ll be right outside your door, just tap on it.

I nodded. “T-thank you.”

The second he left I glanced under my bed. I pulled out the box to see he’d emptied it. 

I looked over at my closet.

_ Don’t do it, Harold. _

I kept a second stash, always ready in case I needed it. 

I felt like I couldn't control my body. I stood up and pulled out the pills. It wouldn’t be as fast or as strong, but at least it was something. 

_ No one can go from once or twice a day to a hard stop. _

I swallowed them quickly and sat on my bed to wait for the effects to start and for the pain to finally stop. 

It took about 15 minutes until the rush. During that time, I started feeling worse and worse as more guilt piled up. Right before it happened, I considered getting up and telling Niall what I’d done. 

_ I don’t think he’d forgive me. _

I felt better once it hit and was able to maintain my composure. The tranquillity following it only lasted about half an hour, far less than usual.

I let Niall in but was careful not to show him my eyes.

When I came down, everything hit me. I started crying again in the middle of our conversation. He was confused but nonetheless stayed beside me. Hugging and trying to get me to talk. It didn’t take much for me to break down and say

“I’m sorry Ni! I couldn’t bear it, the withdrawal was so bad…” 

He sighed heavily.

“Harry… you…”

“... I don’t even want to live…” I whispered so quietly he could barely hear it. 

“Hazza… Please. Let me take you somewhere, I’ll just say it was mine, I don’t care anymore. I want you to be well again…” 

“Niall… You're too kind, no one will believe that.” I said, feeling sick and disgusting. 

“Harry… let me do something for you. I know how close you are to…” he trailed off, biting his lower lip.

_ Oh god, he’s right. I’m so close to an overdose… all it would take is one unlucky injection. _

I went silent. I think he kept talking, but I couldn’t hear him, I was in my own world. 

_ I’m so close to an overdose, I’m so close to losing everything I’ve ever had. I don’t know how to stop. What are the consequences of asking for help? How will the world view me? Is it as bad as I’m picturing? Do I even want to stop? _

_ … _

_ Why can I not answer any of these? _

“Harry… are you there?” He said, shaking me a little bit.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” 

“Good. Let’s go do something to take your mind off of it.”

I nodded. “Ni. I’m cold.” 

“Already?” He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the foyer. He pulled his jacket off a chair and put it on me.

“Sometimes they feel warmer when they are someone else's'.” 

He was right.

_ I’m stronger than heroin. Even if I'm not, he is. _

The rest of the day passed easily, and every time I felt the thoughts creeping into my mind, I pushed them away. I knew it would start getting more difficult, but for now, I had it all under control.

Then the night came. I couldn’t sleep. I was still wearing his jacket, and it was 2 or 3 am. He was softly snoring beside me. I started to get out of bed, but I woke him up.

“Haz… what time is it?” 

“Shit… I'm sorry, go back to sleep,” I said to him, running my fingers through his hair. 

“Can’t now.” He said, sitting up and grabbing onto my arm. 

I looked into his eyes in the dim light and felt a strange urge.

_ Does he think I don’t love him? _

_ What if I od before we ever get the chance to… _

I leaned forward to kiss him, and he met me halfway. 

“Niall, I want you,” I said, brushing my thumb over his cheek.

He made an adorable breathy sound.

_ I want to do it with you while we still have the chance. _

“While we still have the chance,” I whispered to him. He grabbed me and then laid down on the bed, pulling me on top of him.

“You’ve got your chance, take it.” 

I straddled him and locked lips with him once again. I closed my eyes and savoured him. I felt warm tears trip down my face, I hope he didn't feel them. 

I started to undress him, pulling roughly at his clothes. 

There was aggression in my movements- desperation that I hope he sensed. I got him undressed then took off my own clothes. I pulled him into a kiss. I felt another wave of chills so I pressed to his body. His skin was so warm and flawless. I quickly got underneath him, so his naked body sat on top of mine. I cuddled him some. Then, I tapped my fingers down his spine to which he shuddered with little breaths.

“Are you ready, Ni?” I said, licking the skin on his neck. 

He didn't answer, only moaned as my tongue made little circles on his neck and shoulders. 

I pushed him forward so he was on all fours. I put my fingers in first, offering some prep. He took in a sharp breath as I did. I opened a space for myself and slid into him, resting on top of his body.

He moaned as I did. I heard the sound and made a vow to myself to never forget it. I felt his heartbeat while inside him, and for the first time in a long time, I felt mine.

I trusted in and out of him, leaving him breathless and in a drooling mess. I couldn’t help myself, I came easily, leaving myself in a state of euphoria as strong as a double dose. 

When I did, he cried out in pleasure, filling the room with echoes of the two of us. I think came a second or third time, I don’t remember. I wasn’t aware of anything but him, my love, lust and pleasure. 

I felt myself getting softer and I took myself out of him. He released a sound of pure bliss and satisfaction. 

I felt amazing. A lasting rush ran through my body. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him down to lay closer to me. He cuddled up beside me, resting his head on my chest. A tranquillity then sat in as we sat together in a mess of liquids and love.

I wonder if protection crossed his mind. I didn’t think about it, and quite honestly I didn’t care. I didn’t have any STDs, and I didn’t care if he did. 

“Ha-Hazza… Ah… wow…" he moaned. 

He seemed to be a little out of breath.

"You came on my spot… ah…" he continued to cuddle me. 

I never wanted to let go. 

He passed out from the stimulation yet still kept clinging to me. I cuddled him back.

When I came down from the happiness, I started thinking about drugs once again. I remembered the first time I'd tried heroin. I'd been at a party. Some kids were shooting up smack and being a little tipsy, I said okay.

Ever since then, I've paid so much for it.

I held Niall tighter. He was my link, without him… I was nothing. 

I cuddled him and cried some until I finally passed out as well.

I woke up alone. It left a bad feeling in my mind. So much so I almost cried and tried to make myself fall back asleep. I eventually gathered the courage to speak. 

"Ni?" I called out to the empty room.

He slipped into the room and planted a kiss right on my lips. 

"Thanks for last night." He said to me. He paused and whispered.

"Hey, whenever you feel like… you know, just give it to me." He said, giving a little kiss on my neck.

_ Oh. So he knew why I went on him that strong. _

"Thank you. You're the best boyfriend. Ever." I said, meaning every word. 

"Aw… Thanks" he said with a bright blush illuminating his cheeks.

"You're not too bad yourself, even if you are struggling with an addiction." 

I couldn't believe him, but either way, I gave him a hug and smiled.

"I love you." 

"I love you too," he said with no hesitation. 

"You mean so much to me. If that's what it takes to keep you clean I'll say it every 5 minutes." He said, giving me a pat on the head. I started to pull the blanket off me, then remembered I was naked. 

"I'll let you get dressed. Unless you don't want to. I'm not complaining." He winked a little at me. He seemed more happy with the events of last night. Im glad for it. 

"Thanks, but I think I'll wear something." 

"Damn, suit yourself. I'll be watching some TV, take your time" 

I picked out a black cap sleeve short and some pale pink shorts. I quickly went out to Naill. He had a glass in his hand and was watching some football. 

"Aw. Nice outfit." He said, giving me a little wink. He was wearing one of his own outfits, I can only assume he went back to his house while I was asleep.

It was almost noon anyway. 

I sat beside him and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"What is that?" I said, hinting at the drink.

"Oh, this? I cut your vodka with a mix of fruit juices. It's pretty good actually." He said, putting it to my lips. 

I took a little sip. I still didn't really like alcohol.

The rest of the day passed slowly. I wanted so desperately to get some more, but I held out. The whole day I was clean and sober, an accomplishment, unfortunately.

I spent most of the day just thinking about it all. I didn't completely understand it, why I couldn't shake my dependency. 

That night, I mentioned my craving to him. He said to me

"Harry… I get it, sometimes it can be hard to put it down, but im here to help you, and tomorrow, some doctors will be here to do the same." He shook his head a little.

"Why heroin anyway? It's so addictive."

"Is acid any better?" I said without thinking. I remembered a friend of mine gave me a few window panes. 

"I guess. Why? do you have acid?" He said, looking a little unamused.

I didn't answer.

"This is why you're going there, I promise. They can help you get your life back, even more than I can."

I nodded to him then took a deep breath. 

After a little while, I left the room and grabbed one of the window panes. Lsd was a different type of drug. It could perhaps give me the answers to why I'd been in so much pain and suffering. At this point, what did I have to lose? I'd kept them hidden in the bedside table drawer. I chewed up 2 for good measure and swallowed it. I went into the room with Niall and the second I sat down he pulled me into a kiss. He licked inside my mouth and I pulled away quickly. His expression was rather blank.

"Is everything alright?"

"...Niall uh… I took acid." I said bluntly.

"Yeah, I know." He said, taking in a deep sigh.

His answer shocked me.

"Y-you know?" I said, eyes wide.

"Yeh. I knew if you didn't, you'd just turn back to heroin" He said, looking down at his feet. He didn't even sound like himself.

"Niall…? Why did you kiss me if you knew?" I said.

"What do you mean?" He said.

"Ni… I'm pretty sure you're going to trip."

He paused for a long time then responded with

"I hope you figure out whatever it is your after." He still refused to look up. He seemed to have been wrapped in a cloak of sadness. 

"I'm so sorry…" I said. I knew my words had little value.

He rested his head on my chest, his expression still saddened. This is how we stayed until our trips began. 

Mine started off decent. I saw a few colours, then the room began to warp in shape. Until I was in my old house. The one I'd grown up in as a child. I'd looked so cute back then. I was outside with some friends from school. They were laughing but I wasn't. The image blurred itself until I was a little older, a teenager while I was still part of one direction. 

_ Ah, all the laughs we used to share. _

Purple and black ink sliced through the image. I was back at the party. I was at a table with a bunch of shadowy people. I heard some voices whispering. 'Do it' they chanted loudly. So viciously I cupped my hands to my ears, desperate to make them silent. A boy grabbed my arm and injected me anyway. The scene itself started to melt. I saw images flash all around me. A small little kid with dark hair and a solid black eyes stared at me intently through it all.

I shut my eyes tight, trying to rid myself of him. I opened them and I was in my dining room. 

_ How did I get here… _

I felt confused and disorientated. I saw Niall walk into the room. I quickly hugged him.

"Morning Haz." He said. He turned away for a minute and a syringe appeared on the table. I quickly stuck it in my wrist and sent it into my body. 

Instead of being met with a rush and peace, I felt de-energised and scared.

Niall turned around to face me and his form shifted. He looked like the black-haired boy, his beautiful blue eyes being replaced with solid black ones. I saw the world around me cloud with dark grey fog. I felt strings attach to my body. They cut in and made me bleed. My blood, however, was tar black. I tried to get them off. I scratched as much as I could, but I only succeeded at causing more “blood” to drip. A bright light turned on and I looked up. The boy was there, smiling in a traumatising way. My pulse skyrocketed. I tried even more desperately to escape the strings binding me. I felt someone grip my wrists and shatter the bindings.

"Niall!" I said, reaching out for him. He was being pulled far away from me. I reached out and tried to grab his leg but I was being pulled back by that boy. This time he had a girl with him. The girl was wearing a red and white spotted jacket. In the white, you could see blue, green and red, depending on the angle. I only remember it because she put the sweater over my head and suddenly I was falling, from space. The ground was warped and I kept falling into a hole in the ground, then underwater until I finally hit the ground. I fell in a desert. 

I wandered around a while looking for water, yet to no avail. My tongue felt dry. I started sucking on it, chewing it even, trying to get some water on it. Naill appeared behind me. He had angel wings which I felt fit him well. He took my hand and lifted me into the sky. I suddenly felt a heaviness in my chest. He showed me all the people, everyone who cared. They were all looking up, many were worried. 

Louis, Zayn, and Liam were all standing together. 

_ Some of my closest friends. _

Zayn was looking down, seeming almost guilty. Liam and Louis stood side by side. They locked eyes with me and I could feel the loss written on their face.

"W-wait," I said to the angelic Niall. He turned around, but once again, wasn't him. It was that boy and he dropped me right down into an abyss. I fell into a flaming place. 

"You deserve this." The boy said to me. He sat beside me with a slightly warped figure. He began to melt as he talked.

"Even Niall's done with you"

"No!"

"Even Niall thinks your worthless."

"No!" 

"You'll never learn..." He was fully melted by then. I still heard his whispering. 

_ Coward! Weak! Pathetic! _

"I'm stronger than you," I said trying to be defiant.

I heard laughter, then it began to fade out. I closed my eyes and when I had the bravery to open them. I was in a field of poppies. Naill was lying beside me. He had a flask in hand but his eyes were closed.

"Ni?" I called to him. He opened his eyes and I felt my entire body relax when I saw blue. He kept drinking the flask, only putting it down to breathe it felt like. I reached out and put my hand on his.

"Hey… we're in a good place now. You don't need to drink so much."

"We're just taking shots." I didn't understand, but I didn't need to. All I needed was to sit here in joy and spend time with him. I held his hand tightly in mine. I stayed in the flower field for a while. I slowly started to see my living room return to reality. I was on the floor with Niall next to me. He wasn't moving much. I didn't panic until I saw the ½ full bottle of speciality vodka sitting on the table. I couldn't find his pulse. He was pale and breathing slowly. 

_ He's… _

_ Gone… _

Reality slammed into me so hard I started crying. I grabbed all the remaining heroin and acid I had and ran back into the living room. He had not moved. 

The boy from my trip appeared beside me gave a little tap on my shoulder.

"I win." He said, guiding my hand over the vein. My wrist was brutally scratched and dripped thin lines of blood.

_ I've already given my life up to drugs. Now I've given you up too. _

_ I'm… _

_ Gone… _

I took the needle and injected everything I had left. 

5 times the dose I usually have.

The rush was stronger, picking me up so I could enjoy my last few minutes. It only lasted 90 seconds. Then I felt myself getting calmer…

And calmer…

And calmer…

And calmer…

And calm…

I looked down at Niall one last time. He weakly lifted his head and whispered:

"Hazza…" 

His head collapsed on the floor. 

I laid down beside him and grabbed his hand. 

_ Take me to the poppy fields. _


End file.
